I came across this quote today and wanted to share it with you. You may find that it relates to your marriage.
The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character.
- Peter Devries
We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER.
Personality is easy to understand. Your personality is how people experience you. Its your public persona.
But what is character? And why is character so crucial in your marriage?
Character is who you are when no one is watching.
Let me say that again so you can read it slowly and really digest it this time.
Character is who you are when no one is watching.
You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each others PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. Im not saying you tricked each other. Its just your personalityhow you display yourself to others.
But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. And there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And thats when you meet for the first timeagain!
You and your spouse dont meet the person who charmed each others friends, bought gifts for each others parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time its a meeting of your CHARACTERS.
In many cases, its not only that youre meeting each other for the first time, but its that youre meeting YOURSELVES for the first time.
Most people wouldnt be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most people dont recognize their own behavior. Im just not myself with him/her. Well then who is that person? Thats YOUits your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)
The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they dont like their spouse. Its that they dont like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people dont like what they see.
Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to be with themselves. (Did you get that?)
Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage.
Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand. If you want to improve one, work on the other too.
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