I came across this quote today and wanted to share it with you. You may find that it relates to your marriage. 

The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character.

- Peter Devries

We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER.

Personality is easy to understand. Your personality is how people experience you. Its your public persona.

But what is character? And why is character so crucial in your marriage?

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

Let me say that again so you can read it slowly and really digest it this time.

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each others PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. Im not saying you tricked each other. Its just your personalityhow you display yourself to others.

But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. And there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And thats when you meet for the first timeagain!

You and your spouse dont meet the person who charmed each others friends, bought gifts for each others parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time its a meeting of your CHARACTERS.

In many cases, its not only that youre meeting each other for the first time, but its that youre meeting YOURSELVES for the first time.

Most people wouldnt be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most people dont recognize their own behavior. Im just not myself with him/her. Well then who is that person? Thats YOUits your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)

The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they dont like their spouse. Its that they dont like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people dont like what they see.

Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to be with themselves. (Did you get that?)

Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage.

Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand. If you want to improve one, work on the other too.

Would you like more counsel? Subscribe to my FREE marriage help email service. Over 75,000 each year subscribe to receive the free report "7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage." This advice alone will begin to change your marriage. And youll also get 5 free marriage assessments and more information about Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel. There are no strings attached. You can sign up for free by visiting www.MarriageMax.com.

 http://marriagemax.com/marriage-counseling.asp

If a marriage has problems, the chances are good that trust has been broken. And yet, trust is a central component for a successful marriage. So how do you restore broken trust? And how do you do it without spending months in marriage counseling?

Trust can be broken in so many ways. The most common culprits are an affair, hidden addictions, lying, and financial secrecy.

But if you look deep into the heart of a distrusting spouse, it goes beyond the usual trust busters. Trust is weakened in a relationship when a spouse is frequently late, unreliable, or insensitive. Hiding a few empty beer cans can damage trust between you. It doesnt take much to shake trust.

But it sure takes a lot to rebuild it!

We live in a microwave world of fast food, express delivery, and speedy-print. And so we figure, if we lost trust in an instant, there must be a way to rebuild it in an instant too. NOT!

Trust is built one small step at a time. Theres no other way. Theres no Herculean event that can deliver instant-trust. In fact, by definition, trust is about CONSISTENCY. Thats what it means to trust someoneto be able to PREDICT their behavior. Predictability is a function of repetition. Repetition comes with TIME.

Think about it. When you trust someone, it means you can RELY on them. But before you can rely on someone, you must depend on them time and again and NOT be disappointed. If youre disappointed, even once, the trust is broken. 

I often compare the building of a relationship to the building of a houseboth happen one brick at a time. And every brick is significant because it strengthens the foundation. The stronger the foundation, the more room you have for error. For example, how damaging is it to ruin one brick when youre working on the 3^rd floor of a house? Its no big deal, right? You have a strong foundation, the house is in tact, you clean up the mess, and you build on.

Its like that in a relationship. If you have a strong foundation, you can make a mistake without ruining everything. Its no big deal. You can move on.

But trust is DIFFERENT. One mistake kills you. Because trust is about CONSISTENCY.

Building trust is NOT analogous to building a house; its more like climbing a ladder. You dont have a foundation to support you. If you slip, you fall all the way to the bottom.

Thats how trust works. Its unforgiving.

So if youre trying to restore trust in your marriage, and youre expected to meet your spouse for dinner before your marriage counseling appointment at 6:15PM, dont arrive at 6:19PM. For you, 6:19PM might be a matter of 4 minutes and no big deal. But to your spouse it might be about reliability, and you may have just slipped all the way to the bottom. You just broke whatever pattern of consistency you built prior to arriving late. And now you have to start all over again.

How do you rebuild trust? You make and keep promises. Make and keep. Make and keep. Make and keep. Over and over again. AND DONT MISS! Nothing destroys trust faster than making and BREAKING a promise.

To be consistent (to build trust), you need lots of opportunities to come-through. So create them for yourself.

Honey, Ill pick up some milk before I come home. And then do it!

Ill meet you at our marriage counseling appointment at 9AM. And then do it!

Ill read it by tomorrow. And then do it!

Ill say it differently next time. And then do it!

Look for opportunities to make and keep promises. Thats your opportunity to build trust. Like a ladderclimb one rung at a time. It takes time. Theres no short-cut. And you cant slip. You have to stay focused.

And just to be clear, the little things count big. If trust is about consistency, then it doesnt matter what you promise. Just promise and come through.

Dont think that just because trust came crashing down in one dramatic event (an affair or whatever) that you have to reestablish it with one dramatic event too. You can rebuild trust by making and keeping SMALL promises over an extended period of time.

Would you like more counsel? Subscribe to my FREE marriage help email service. Over 75,000 each year subscribe to receive the free report "7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage." This advice alone will begin to change your marriage. And youll also get 5 free marriage assessments and more information about Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel. There are no strings attached. You can sign up for free by visiting www.MarriageMax.com.